Grieving Heidi's Death - Joe

It's been two and a half months since Heidi died of her metastatic breast cancer. 




Here is a link to the recording of my presentation at Heidi's Memorial Service:
Heidi's Memorial




I am still devastated.
But I am building a new life, slowly and mindfully by:

• telling everyone about how wonderful and brave she was
• asking God to help me grieve in healthy manner
• continuing the outside adventures alone, occasionally with friends
• hosting holiday dinners at home
• decorating the house in new ways for the holidays, to start a new tradition
• journaling my grief over time, on Facebook
• staying vigilante regarding both my cancers' potential recurrences/metastasis
• restarting volunteer work for church and nonprofits

My heart goes out to those of you that face a cancer battle alone.  Heidi and I had each other and our marriage got so strong through our ordeal.  I hate cancer with a passion and will try to continue supporting friends that are still fighting cancer.



Love & Blessings,
Joe

Celebration! -by Joe

Awaiting tumor marker results and Oncology appointment

After 3 succesive chemotherapy failures in the past 6 months, Heidi's new liver tumors were growing as well as her bone and lung cancer progressing. Terrifying.  So 3 weeks ago her Oncologist resorted to the very toxic chemo called Taxotere.  Unlike Heidi's past chemotherapies, Taxotere is given once every 3 weeks instead of every week.

Great News!!

This Monday, 3 weeks after that first dose, Heidi's tumor markers were drawn and an hour or so later we met with her Oncologist.  The result? The tumor marker showed Taxotere was working, even after one dose!!  And her liver tests were moving back towards normal!


Because of the high toxicity of this chemo, Monday's dose was stopped when Heidi immediately developed a serious reaction to Taxotere as soon as the dose was started.  So they tried again Tuesday, going very slowly, adding other meds to reduce her body's negative reaction.  It worked and she got her complete second dose of Taxotere!

At the same time they were starting the second dose of Taxotere on Tuesday, I was seeing my own Oncologist for a followup after my cancer surgery on March 12.  Everything looked great he said, including my tumor marker(PSA)!  So I rejoined Heidi for her hours spent slowly receiving the Taxotere.

Celebration meal together with Mary at the SCCA Guest House

Heidi's dear friend Mary was also with Heidi in the chemotherapy room both days, giving wonderful support and encouragement.  Thank you Mary!  We celebrated with a meal together with Mary.

Back home now, we are both exhausted but so very thankful to God, to the staff at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and so many friends & family praying for us, sending positive thoughts our way.

So thank you!

- Joe

Tough Times Ahead For Heidi - by Joe

Waiting to hear the tumor marker results

Yesterday's (April 2) tumor markers (labwork that tracks her cancer) confirmed that Heidi's adriamycin chemo has not worked and her cancer is growing.  So they stopped that chemo and told us to wait to hear what her Oncologist plans next. 



Meanwhile I was having increasing pain from my surgery and my Oncologist ordered a CT scan yesterday, which showed the post cancer surgery drain was not working.

After the bad news, staying at the SCCA House

Today, I had outpatient surgery to place a deeper drain that will hopefully work better.  When we got home from my surgery, Heidi's Oncologist contacted us with thier plan: MRIs to establish a baseline of Heidi's current cancer status and then starting another chemotherapy called taxol.

Waiting for my outpatient surgery

As you can see from the photos, we pray, we laugh, we cry.  When I get scared about Heidi I remember the amazing hikes and climbs we've done since Spring of 2011 (almost 40!).  She's tough, she's determined and I plan on supporting her better and better as God shows me how.



No despair.  None. 
Pray..  Laugh..  Cry..

Thank you for caring,
Joe

The Good News Bad News Roller Coaster Ride - by Joe

We are sitting in the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance cafe as I write this.  We are both adjusting to both good news and bad news today.

Waiting for my ultrasound & biopsy procedures.

The good news is that the specialist Orthopedic Surgeon that handles bone cancer cases wants Heidi to stay fully active.  He has the most expertise in this area and told us that the new hip/femur tumors are not a danger for fracture at this point.  Not even worth doing radiation.  Hopefully Heidi's new chemotherapy will stop them completely at this stage.

The bad news is that in addition to my recurrent bladder cancer, my biopsy report just came back positive for Stage 2 prostate cancer.  Whatever treatment I get for it has to wait 8-10 weeks because of typical post-biopsy bleeding. 


Meanwhile, we have a long list of planned hikes/climbs for this year and will continue to worship God in high places as long as we can. And in the kayak, the garden, at church.. everywhere. God's Love is as present as ever in our lives. More, actually.

Thank you for caring!

Joe (& Heidi)

Waiting for in the SCCA cafe for Heidi's Oncologist
 appointment



Living Strong With Bad News - by Joe

New Years Day 2012 hike up Jefferson Ridge

There's just no easy way to say it.  The latest scans are very scary.


For the first time, they've found cancer in Heidi's liver.  And now, they have found a new tumor in her right hip that affects weight bearing strength; meaning potentially hiking, walking.


So, we did a challenging hike/climb up Jefferson Ridge on New Years Day, to start 2012 out with an adventure.  We had communion on the summit.  We enjoyed the challenging route through deep, steep snow.  We took in the spectacular views.  We pray God will let us continue seeking & worshipping Him in high places like the 28 hikes/climbs we did in 2011.

Tumor Markers being drawn at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance

By next week we should know if Heidi's chemo and/or activity must change.  We should also know if the new mass in my prostate is cancer or not.


Whatever happens, we will face it together with our eyes set on God.

View of Mount Washington from Jefferson Ridge on our New Years Day hike

As always,

Thank you for your prayers/positive thoughts!

- Joe (& Heidi)

Facing Tough Days With Gratitude -by Joe

Our Quiet, Peaceful Thanksgiving Dinner

Heidi's spinal scan I mentioned in my last blog was frightening: new tumors on both her upper and lower spine, but thankfully none of them pressing on her spinal cord, which would cause severe pain.

And today, during our weekly appointment at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance for Heidi's chemotherapy, they plan to do an MRI of her legs, to rule out any new tumors there. Also frightening.

Last week, we met with the Oncologist who said Heidi's chemotherapy would need to change if any one of three things happen:

1. any tumors reported on today's scan
2. any increase in pain
3. another rise in her tumor markers

Kayaking Away Some Stress

On top of all this, I get rechecked in two weeks for any new bladder tumors.

So it's tough, really tough right now.  So much uncertainty.. when will her chemo change? will the new chemo work? what will the today's scan show? will they find new tumors in me? will I have to have another surgery?

Tough times are a great chance to practice gratitude for what you do have. 

My gratitude list, written on Thanksgiving Eve last week:

4am, alone by the fireplace, feeling so grateful.

• They said 12 months and now over three and a half years later, Heidi and I are still together, loving the life God has given us.
• I'm grateful we are getting healthier, stronger and feeling younger month by month, despite cancer.
• I'm also flooded with gratitude for our family and friends, like you.
• For the freedoms and material comfort we too often take for granted.
• For jokes and laughter.
• For art and music.
• For the amazing wildlife, flowers, trees, mountains and waterways where we live.
• Wow!

Big Creek Trail Overlook

As always, thanks for your compassion, your prayers, your positive thoughts!

- Joe & Heidi

No Looking Back -by Joe

We are approaching some major milestones.  Wednesday Heidi gets a spinal scan to check for new tumors and also gets her tumor markers checked.  A few weeks later I get checked for new bladder tumors and the new mass in my prostate checked.  Expecting good results on all three, we're not letting worry take over and not worrying about past results - no looking back!

We're both a bit sad that snowfall has closed off the high elevation, steep hiking trails for the winter.  What an amazing set of 22 outdoor adventures since May!  But now we can explore lower elevation river trails, and later do some snowshoeing - no looking back!

In our walks with God, we're learning the same thing.  Letting go of past doubts, expectations, bargaining, mistakes... Learning new ways to trust God and approach Him through contemplative prayer, we are excited about a growing, stronger, closer relationship with our Creator - no looking back!

As always, thanks for your kind encouragement, prayers, positive thoughts.

- Joe & Heidi

Taking The Battle To New Heights! - by Joe

As cancer gets scarier and scarier, Heidi and I have managed to get healthier and healthier.. eating right, losing weight, gaining muscle.  Praying like crazy.

I wish I could transport you to some of the incredible mountains we have climbed/hiked since my last post.  Now that we can manage steep trails, we've tackled increasingly challenging summits in the past 2 months. 
We also take communion on top of each one, celebrating God's love for us. Cancer is a terrible disease, where your own cells decide to turn into monsters and attack you. It is so intense. But we're finding that adventures can be equally or more intense, putting cancer in its place

Hike on!

And as always, thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts!

- Joe & Heidi

.

A Look At Cancer From The OUTSIDE -by Joe

..as in Outdoors! 

There are many weapons in our arsenal against cancer.  We are grateful for a long list:

• world class Oncologists & teams
• prayers from family/friends of faith
• positive thoughts from family/friends who are agnostic/atheist
• financial assistance from Medicare, insurance and family
• support and advice from other cancer patients & survivors
• getting in top physical condition via exercise & diet

But another very important aspect is our increased hiking & kayaking.  What wonderful places we have been this year!  Hiking trails high in the Olympic Mountain Range.  Other spectacular hikes in the Cascade Mountain Range.  We've also begun a tradition of taking communion together on the mountain summits we reach.  Our faith and hope get such a boost from alpine heights and majestic Northwestern forests.  In the kayak we get to see so much wildlife, so many beautiful scenes. 

If you are fighting cancer or doing all you can to stay in remission, we urge you to find an outdoor activity you love and take the time to enjoy it!

As always, THANK YOU for your continued caring & support!

Love & Blessings,
- Joe

Dealing With Deadly Uncertainty

I can't recall a time since 2008 that we have faced so much uncertainty and fear.  Hopefully, we trust God with it better now and deal with it in healthier ways.

Heidi's Bone and CT scans a couple weeks ago showed 3 new tumors, on her skull, rib and lung.  Her Oncologist is not changing anything until either her tumor marker lab results or her symptoms worsen.  At that point, they will try a different chemotherapy.  Which is frightening, because there is no assurance a new chemo will even work (two others have failed in the past).

To complicate matters, last week my own, new Oncologist found a mass on my prostate.  So we are hoping it is post-bladder-chemo inflammation and not more cancer.  But we won't know until he does more diagnostics, including a cystoscopy on August 17th.  That cysto will also be the one to show whether I have new bladder tumors.

Tough stuff to deal with.  Our time investments in friendships, exercise, dieting, hiking, kayaking, joking around and more importantly, prayer.. these all make it easier to handle than in 2008 when we we first learned about the cancers.  But it is still really hard.  And in a way, living each day more fully just makes you long for longevity even more.

My own new motto I am trying to act out in this time of uncertainty:
"You can achieve serenity without handing cancer the house keys".

We love and appreciate all of you reading this.  Thank you.

- Joe

10 Things NOT To Say To Your Friends Fighting Cancer

Heidi launching fireworks from our kayak July 4th!

This is a rough time for us.  In the next few days, we'll get results for Heidi's CT Scan, Bone Scan and tumor markers.  The scans are because of indications that her cancer is growing again.  Next week, we hear what her Oncologist recommends..and I get checked for new bladder tumors.  Scary!


The support sent our way is phenomenal - we are so grateful.


Occasionally, we get a well-meaning response that is not helpful and can actually be discouraging.  So I thought I'd list out some of the statements best avoided if someone you know is still fighting their cancer.  How do you know if they are still 'fighting'?  If they are getting cancer treatment or followups, they are still fighting.


Here are 10 things that your friends battling cancer probably don't need to hear:

1. 'We all have to die some day'  ..thanks for the reminder
2. 'You must have eaten the wrong thing to get cancer'  ..great, now I feel guilty
3. 'If you just use this supplement/eat this food, you'll be cured'  ..yeah right
4. 'Just accept it and get your affairs in order'  ..a bit premature, don't ya think?
5. ' I feel sorry for you because I had a friend who died of cancer'  ..please share survivor stories instead!
6. 'If your faith was stronger, you wouldn't need doctors'  ..so God's out to get me?
7. 'You must have sinned - ask God's forgiveness'  ..so God's really out to get me?
8. 'You can't lose - if you die, you get to enjoy Heaven sooner' ..eternity can wait a little longer!
9. 'Thanks to hospice, death is no longer painful'  ..ouch!
10. 'Don't worry, you'll be just fine'  ..at least check my prognosis in case it is dismal - but I must admit, I myself am guilty of saying this one to others!

Please don't take this as anything more than helpful advice.  If you feel at a loss for words, try these:

• 'What can I do to help?'
• 'I'm thinking of you'
• 'I'm praying for you'

But you know what?  Someone that has shown they care can say ANYTHING and we know it's from the heart.

As always, thanks so much for your support!

- Joe

Those Really Bad Days With Cancer -By Joe

Everyone has ups and downs in life.  With cancer some of the down days can be quite low.  Last Wednesday was a case in point:

• Heidi's neutrophil count(normal white blood cells) was too low to allow getting her weekly chemotherapy dose
• Heidi's rise in tumor markers(a test for increased cancer growth) was abnormally high.  That along with her increasing tumor site pain implies the chemotherapy might be failing to stop cancer growth
• We found out we'd enter the infamous Medicare 'hole', where the expensive chemo and other prescriptions are no longer covered until we reach a much higher 'level'
• Upon returning home, we found that our neighbors' dogs had broken in to the chicken pen and killed all four of Heidi's hens

What do you do on a day like that?  Cry? ..of course.  But this amazing lady also chose to complete a very steep hike up Tiger Mountain and to laugh at my dumb jokes.  And sing.  And pray.

I consider my faith in Christ fairly strong and growing each day.  But wow!  Watching Heidi's faith in action is humbling indeed.  We may be facing a very difficult chapter in the battle, but there are many more mountains to climb and songs to sing.

As always, thanks for your compassion, your prayers, your positive thoughts!

-Joe

Happy Birthday To Me -by Heidi

Here I am getting chemo on my Birthday.

On the one hand, it is just another Wednesday and on Wednesdays I get chemo. But on the other hand, it is a special day of celebration. When I was first diagnosed, the prognosis was grim. So, turning another year is great cause of celebration. Looking back (as one does at a milestone), I am so thankful for the things I have learned this past year. I am so much more willing to trust God for the future, as well as to delight in each day as it comes... even the bad days. I actually thank God for the painful times now... because I know that it is in the painful times that I am willing to lay aside my attempts at control, my "to do" lists and just decide to celebrate the fact that I can feel pain: my nerves are working, my brain is working, I am breathing. And I REALLY celebrate the good times.

I am so thankful for family and friends. They/you have been such love-ers, pray-ers, supporters. I don't deserve you, but I am grateful for you. I am SO thankful for Joe. We have gone through some tough times. Watching him desire to serve God inspires me to work on the issues that keep me from serving God as well as I can. He walks this road with me with humor, grace and love.

Sigh, I am getting maudlin. I am just so grateful for this last year and for the FACT that I am doing so well. I would love to get off of chemo, I would love to have a healthy body. Maybe that is in the future. Maybe not. But this new year of life promises to be one where I continue to grow healthier inside... where it really counts. As our Pastor Kurt says, "God promises complete eternal healing spiritually, mentally and emotionally; the only healing that is temporary is physical".

Thank you again for listening and sharing my Birthday with me. I think the world of you.

Bless you indeed,

Heidi

Building Your GREAT Cancer Team - by Heidi

When I was first diagnosed with metastases from my breast cancer, we went to visit some neighbors. They had both been diagnosed with cancers over the few years before and we asked them some questions about how to deal with cancer. I will never forget the wife's vehement response. "Remember that YOU are in charge. If you dont feel comfortable with a healthcare team member, fire them... get another. Build your team based on what YOU think you need." I was shocked. While I had done some elements of this six years ago at my initial diagnosis, I still had a very compliant "just tell me what to do" people pleasing attitude. Now three years of being immersed in the metastatic cancer experience, I heartily agree with everything she said.

Livestrong (http://www.livestrong.org/) as well, has some wonderful resources and I love what they say. "If you can talk openly to your health care provider and get your questions answered, you will feel confident about the health care you are receiving." Feeling confident and secure means I have a better chance of beating this.

I have built a team that I feel really comfortable with - but it took a little while. My status now: my oncologist worries about my "state of living" as well as the state of my cancer. I have an oncologic naturopath that I consult with occasionally about new non-prescription aids to fight cancer. My oncologist does not "believe" in these, but she is supportive of my wanting to look at all possible treatments of this horrible disease, and gives rational explanations if there is a supplement she does not want me to take. My cancer center provides social work, chaplain and nutrition support for me as needed. My infusion nurse has become a valued friend and resource.

But when I was first diagnosed, I changed cancer centers because at the first one: the technician seemed really fumbly, the radiologist spoke to me like I was a child, (even after I said that I felt like she was talking down to me) they had problems finding my reports and responding to my questions; it just left me feeling nervous and like I needed to micro-manage my care. I liked the second center a lot (went back to them when my cancer metastesized) but still changed oncologists and gave feedback when things seemed more focused on their needs and less on my needs.

I am not saying to be a petulent child wanting their own way all the time. But it is MY cancer that is being treated, MY life that is being hugely affected, My finances that are going in the toilet. At the end of the day, they go home from their job. Joe and I never get a break from this, it is a 24/7 experience.

The non-medical part of my team consists of family, friends, the Body of Christ believers... all those who bless me, pray for me, support me in so many ways. Their love, care and acceptance keep me positive and hopeful.

Be bold and speak up for yourself. Trust your gut. Build YOUR team. You will be so glad you did.

And as always, thank you so much for your support!

- Heidi

God, Why Us? - by Joe

Many, if not all cancer patients at some point wrestle with the question, "Why me?"  ..as do cancer patient spouses/significant others.  Personally, I do not think there is an adequate answer to this, or the more general question "Why is there suffering?"  A more practical issue is how you handle the question when it surfaces inside.

In our case, we had just spent a small fortune remodeling our old house in order to pass inspection for fostering-to-adopt a child.  Then boom!  Cancer.  Adoption was no longer a possibility.  Along with that heartbreak came confusion: neither of us have family histories of cancer! So why, why, why?

As Christians, we aimed the question at God.  Were we agnostic/atheist it might have been railing at an unfair Universe.  Either way, ignoring it just makes depression worse. 

I think for both of us the question was a muddy mix of self-pity and sincerity.  Emotional and intellectual.  The answer has to be a personal one to move on, not some theology or scientific hypothesis. Amid the amazing theories well-meaning friends hurled our way (sinning, eating the wrong foods, stress, pollution, bad water, etc.) we have both achieved some sort of answer.  I see it as a mystery and an opportunity to choose solidarity and empathy with others' suffering.  On top of that, I think we both see cancer as just one of many realities from living in a 'fallen world' based on Jesus's teachings in the Gospels. 

The benefits of facing the question we've found are many: less depression, less feeling sorry for ourselves, less energy drained, less despair.  Not that the question doesn't still sit there.  But there is a healthy truce.

For anyone reading this that is newly diagnosed, I urge you to wrestle honestly with the question and don't pretend it's not there.  Keep wrestling until you find an answer you can live with.

As always, thank you so much for your amazing support!

Joe

The Waiting Game -by Joe

One of the toughest aspects of cancer has gotta be those times of waiting for news, waiting for results.  Scans, X-Rays, labwork, appointments, whatever ..it can drive you crazy!  And until the doctors proclaim you cancer-free, it gets increasingly hard not to expect bad news, bad results.

In the photo is "Blu", an amazing service dog, patiently resting on my shoe at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance's 5th floor chemotherapy lobby while his loving owner, Sheryle, visited with Heidi during her chemotherapy.

Heidi and I are slowly learning to wait more like Blu does.  He is patient, loyal and never gives up no matter how long he has to wait.  And Blu's ability to patiently, obediently wait required training.  It's the same for us.

Yesterday and today are good examples.  Heidi's initial labs look bad and we have to wait for the final results.  I started having symptoms again a couple days ago and am getting tests run on me to find out why.  Hopefully, both are false alarms but we have to wait to find out.  And maybe, just maybe, we are getting a little better each time..

As always, thanks for your support! - Joe

A Cancer Center Chapel 'Revelation' -by Joe

Last week, I was really getting nervous as they started Heidi's second chemotherapy drug in Seattle Cancer Care Alliance's chemo rooms.  Heidi encouraged me to go down to the Center's chapel so I did..

As I sat in the chapel trying to shut up my noisy thoughts and simply be in God's Presence, a remarkable thing happened.  Back in 1981, I foolishly climbed one of Colorado's 14,000+ mountains called Little Bear Peak in the Sangre de Cristo range.  'Foolish' because I was untrained, doing it alone and without a helmet, rope or any way to call for help if I fell.

In the chapel, the vivid memory flooded back of making it up Little Bear Peak's deadly gully called the 'Hourglass' and once I finished that stretch, I was terrified at the prospect of going back down.  Now up until then, I had established a tradition on the previous (& easier) 14er peaks in Colorado of celebrating communion and praying for at least an hour when weather permitted, on each summit.

Looking down that Hourglass chute, convinced I would die on descent, I was faced with a choice.  Should I spend the time on top or immediately take my chances descending?  I chose the summit view/communion. To this day I believe that choice saved my life.  The descent was hair-raising, still no other climbers on the peak to ask for help.  I did slip several times on the steep, slippery slabs of stone.  But I sang all the way down.

The lesson:  we will ALL face deadly danger in our lives, whether from disease, violence, despair, etc.  But the choice is always there.  Will we spend available time with God or ignore Him and desperately obsess over the danger?

Cancer is Heidi & my danger these days; but since that day in the chapel, I am constantly reminded of a welcome place of peace I can find on an inner mountain summit, whether either of us prematurely die on the 'descent' or not.

As always, thanks for your support! - Joe

Laughter Is Medicine -by Joe

Balances.  Tears seem healthy to me in a cancer patient unless they become self-pity.  Anger also seems healthy, if it's aimed at cancer cells, helping motivate the battle.  You see both at a world reknown treatment facility like Seattle Cancer Care Alliance.  But not much laughter.  We, among others, are working on that in our own little way.

The picture shows Heidi doing a hilarious 'housewife' commercial for her 'favorite' brand of scan dye in the SCCA lobby, the day she got a Bone Scan and a CT Scan shortly after diagnosis.  A couple months later, when I got diagnosed, we started an ongoing routine arguing about who had the prettiest tumor(s).  I remember times we'd read about some food or household item being carcinogenic, and one of us would say "Oh no! We might get cancer!"  I think regarding cancer itself, we both have developed a good 'sense of tumor'.

Even if someone doesn't like joking about cancer, there are plenty of reasons to keep laughing in life after diagnosis.  Funny movies to watch.  Loved ones to tease.  Pets to play with.  Even in the chemotherapy rooms, the excellent, professional staff have great senses of humor available to patients and families that are interested.  SCCA offers a free 'Laughs at lunch' series of comedy films for families & patients.

I saw an interesting research article at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Institute website exploring the potentially healing, strengthening effects of laughter in cancer cases.  One mechanism was the release of the body's natural endorphins.  So when you hear a statistically significant punchline, chuckle!

As always, thanks for the support!

- Joe

Staying Upbeat With 'MiniCelebrations' -by Joe

We get lots of encouragement for our habit of pre- or post-chemotherapy 'dates'..often a cafe or a hike on chemo days.

The tradition really started on the horrible day in May 2008 when scans showed that Heidi's breast cancer was back, spread to both lungs and her bones.  After an emotional upheavel that day, we staggered down to the waterfront and committed suicide..by chocolate!  At the BluWater Bistro on Lake Union we ordered a 'death-by-chocolate' dessert that was so huge we couldn't even finish it.

From there, we expanded the idea of adding fun to cancer center visits to include hiking, trying new cafes, ferry rides, photography walks, the Seattle Aquarium, etc. 

Looking back since that momentous chocolate dessert, I am so grateful for the 'live each day fully' reminder these dates have reinforced!

And a huge thanks to so many friends and family that have cheered on this mini-celebration tradition!

- Joe

The Patient's Spouse - by Heidi

Either of us could have writtten this blog but my experience is more recent - I wanted to be the one to write.

When Joe was re-diagnosed with bladder cancer, after 2 years, I could not believe it. Here was the doctor pointing out all these tumors on the scan. I have been a cancer patient for almost three years. This, the second time I am a cancer spouse, demonstrates to me (again) that being the spouse/partner/caregiver of a loved one with cancer is VERY hard.

You want to wave a magic wand, take away every fear and painful experience....but you cant.

You want to find the magic treatment that will return them (and your life) to the pre-cancer days.....but you cant

You hover, you do for them, you dont talk about difficult subjects, you pretend.......and they feel cut off and like a child.

You don't take care of yourself, you ignore tasks and duties that seem suddenly non-essential. And yet, as they need ot focus on their treatment, suddenly you have MORE things to do, including things that they used to take care of. And you need to learn a whole new world - medicalese, insurance mazes, drugs, specialists upon specialists. It is overwhelming.

To make it worse, people who love you dearly focus on the person who is sick. But you are hurting and struggling too. I remember the first time someone really asked me how I was doing after Joe's cancer returned. I burst into tears. I am so grateful to this day for her love and hugs and prayer in response. I wanted so much to be strong for Joe but if I dont recharge.... I cant.

I've been learning:

• Joe wants me to share my fears and pain and struggles with him, just as I had before his diagnosis. I don't need to be superwoman - just me.
• I need to take care of myself or I cant be a good partner to him
• There are a lot of people professionally able to help. Use them for your medical, legal and financial issues. Ask to talk to a counselor or social worker or chaplain. Ask, ask, ask.
• Ask for help from friends and family and neighbors. They usually want to help but dont know how or what. Ask for specific things that really DO make you feel better. A friend chatted with me while she cleaned my refrigerator.

- Heidi