Grieving Heidi's Death - Joe

It's been two and a half months since Heidi died of her metastatic breast cancer. 




Here is a link to the recording of my presentation at Heidi's Memorial Service:
Heidi's Memorial




I am still devastated.
But I am building a new life, slowly and mindfully by:

• telling everyone about how wonderful and brave she was
• asking God to help me grieve in healthy manner
• continuing the outside adventures alone, occasionally with friends
• hosting holiday dinners at home
• decorating the house in new ways for the holidays, to start a new tradition
• journaling my grief over time, on Facebook
• staying vigilante regarding both my cancers' potential recurrences/metastasis
• restarting volunteer work for church and nonprofits

My heart goes out to those of you that face a cancer battle alone.  Heidi and I had each other and our marriage got so strong through our ordeal.  I hate cancer with a passion and will try to continue supporting friends that are still fighting cancer.



Love & Blessings,
Joe

Celebration! -by Joe

Awaiting tumor marker results and Oncology appointment

After 3 succesive chemotherapy failures in the past 6 months, Heidi's new liver tumors were growing as well as her bone and lung cancer progressing. Terrifying.  So 3 weeks ago her Oncologist resorted to the very toxic chemo called Taxotere.  Unlike Heidi's past chemotherapies, Taxotere is given once every 3 weeks instead of every week.

Great News!!

This Monday, 3 weeks after that first dose, Heidi's tumor markers were drawn and an hour or so later we met with her Oncologist.  The result? The tumor marker showed Taxotere was working, even after one dose!!  And her liver tests were moving back towards normal!


Because of the high toxicity of this chemo, Monday's dose was stopped when Heidi immediately developed a serious reaction to Taxotere as soon as the dose was started.  So they tried again Tuesday, going very slowly, adding other meds to reduce her body's negative reaction.  It worked and she got her complete second dose of Taxotere!

At the same time they were starting the second dose of Taxotere on Tuesday, I was seeing my own Oncologist for a followup after my cancer surgery on March 12.  Everything looked great he said, including my tumor marker(PSA)!  So I rejoined Heidi for her hours spent slowly receiving the Taxotere.

Celebration meal together with Mary at the SCCA Guest House

Heidi's dear friend Mary was also with Heidi in the chemotherapy room both days, giving wonderful support and encouragement.  Thank you Mary!  We celebrated with a meal together with Mary.

Back home now, we are both exhausted but so very thankful to God, to the staff at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and so many friends & family praying for us, sending positive thoughts our way.

So thank you!

- Joe

Handling Challenging Bad News For Us Both -by Joe

Heidi receiving her first dose of her new chemotherapy, adriamycin

 Tough times ahead..

A wonderful mystical hike on Valentine's Day

Since my last blog entry, our hopes for Heidi's new chemotherapy changed to disappointment when scans showed continued progression of her bone and liver tunors. She started weekly adriamycin this past Monday, a more toxic, more powerful chemo.

On the summit of challenging Jefferson Ridge on New Year's Day!

As with the chemo that failed, they'll have to wait 2 months to determine if this chemo is working via more scans and lab work.

My new prostate cancer is Stage 2 according to my biopsy, but during my upcoming surgery (radical prostatectomy) on March 12 they will check surrounding lymph nodes to make sure it is not Stage 3.


During the same procedure, they will go into my bladder, removing any new tumors found there.


So we have a lot to deal with. Prayer and support from family & friends are keeping us afloat these days. And humor.

Our easiest setting to pray remains on hikes in the two magnificent mountain ranges nearby. We have already done 5 hikes this year! What a contrast between a day at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and a day on a hiking trail. 

Enjoying a beautiful creek below this beautiful wooden bridge

We need both.

We are grateful for both.
We are grateful for you.

Heading up a ridge to reach a beautiful river gorge

As always, thank you for your prayers and/or positive thoughts.. your compassion.

Love & Blessings,
Joe & Heidi

Living Strong With Bad News - by Joe

New Years Day 2012 hike up Jefferson Ridge

There's just no easy way to say it.  The latest scans are very scary.


For the first time, they've found cancer in Heidi's liver.  And now, they have found a new tumor in her right hip that affects weight bearing strength; meaning potentially hiking, walking.


So, we did a challenging hike/climb up Jefferson Ridge on New Years Day, to start 2012 out with an adventure.  We had communion on the summit.  We enjoyed the challenging route through deep, steep snow.  We took in the spectacular views.  We pray God will let us continue seeking & worshipping Him in high places like the 28 hikes/climbs we did in 2011.

Tumor Markers being drawn at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance

By next week we should know if Heidi's chemo and/or activity must change.  We should also know if the new mass in my prostate is cancer or not.


Whatever happens, we will face it together with our eyes set on God.

View of Mount Washington from Jefferson Ridge on our New Years Day hike

As always,

Thank you for your prayers/positive thoughts!

- Joe (& Heidi)

Facing Tough Days With Gratitude -by Joe

Our Quiet, Peaceful Thanksgiving Dinner

Heidi's spinal scan I mentioned in my last blog was frightening: new tumors on both her upper and lower spine, but thankfully none of them pressing on her spinal cord, which would cause severe pain.

And today, during our weekly appointment at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance for Heidi's chemotherapy, they plan to do an MRI of her legs, to rule out any new tumors there. Also frightening.

Last week, we met with the Oncologist who said Heidi's chemotherapy would need to change if any one of three things happen:

1. any tumors reported on today's scan
2. any increase in pain
3. another rise in her tumor markers

Kayaking Away Some Stress

On top of all this, I get rechecked in two weeks for any new bladder tumors.

So it's tough, really tough right now.  So much uncertainty.. when will her chemo change? will the new chemo work? what will the today's scan show? will they find new tumors in me? will I have to have another surgery?

Tough times are a great chance to practice gratitude for what you do have. 

My gratitude list, written on Thanksgiving Eve last week:

4am, alone by the fireplace, feeling so grateful.

• They said 12 months and now over three and a half years later, Heidi and I are still together, loving the life God has given us.
• I'm grateful we are getting healthier, stronger and feeling younger month by month, despite cancer.
• I'm also flooded with gratitude for our family and friends, like you.
• For the freedoms and material comfort we too often take for granted.
• For jokes and laughter.
• For art and music.
• For the amazing wildlife, flowers, trees, mountains and waterways where we live.
• Wow!

Big Creek Trail Overlook

As always, thanks for your compassion, your prayers, your positive thoughts!

- Joe & Heidi

No Looking Back -by Joe

We are approaching some major milestones.  Wednesday Heidi gets a spinal scan to check for new tumors and also gets her tumor markers checked.  A few weeks later I get checked for new bladder tumors and the new mass in my prostate checked.  Expecting good results on all three, we're not letting worry take over and not worrying about past results - no looking back!

We're both a bit sad that snowfall has closed off the high elevation, steep hiking trails for the winter.  What an amazing set of 22 outdoor adventures since May!  But now we can explore lower elevation river trails, and later do some snowshoeing - no looking back!

In our walks with God, we're learning the same thing.  Letting go of past doubts, expectations, bargaining, mistakes... Learning new ways to trust God and approach Him through contemplative prayer, we are excited about a growing, stronger, closer relationship with our Creator - no looking back!

As always, thanks for your kind encouragement, prayers, positive thoughts.

- Joe & Heidi

Taking The Battle To New Heights! - by Joe

As cancer gets scarier and scarier, Heidi and I have managed to get healthier and healthier.. eating right, losing weight, gaining muscle.  Praying like crazy.

I wish I could transport you to some of the incredible mountains we have climbed/hiked since my last post.  Now that we can manage steep trails, we've tackled increasingly challenging summits in the past 2 months. 
We also take communion on top of each one, celebrating God's love for us. Cancer is a terrible disease, where your own cells decide to turn into monsters and attack you. It is so intense. But we're finding that adventures can be equally or more intense, putting cancer in its place

Hike on!

And as always, thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts!

- Joe & Heidi

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A Look At Cancer From The OUTSIDE -by Joe

..as in Outdoors! 

There are many weapons in our arsenal against cancer.  We are grateful for a long list:

• world class Oncologists & teams
• prayers from family/friends of faith
• positive thoughts from family/friends who are agnostic/atheist
• financial assistance from Medicare, insurance and family
• support and advice from other cancer patients & survivors
• getting in top physical condition via exercise & diet

But another very important aspect is our increased hiking & kayaking.  What wonderful places we have been this year!  Hiking trails high in the Olympic Mountain Range.  Other spectacular hikes in the Cascade Mountain Range.  We've also begun a tradition of taking communion together on the mountain summits we reach.  Our faith and hope get such a boost from alpine heights and majestic Northwestern forests.  In the kayak we get to see so much wildlife, so many beautiful scenes. 

If you are fighting cancer or doing all you can to stay in remission, we urge you to find an outdoor activity you love and take the time to enjoy it!

As always, THANK YOU for your continued caring & support!

Love & Blessings,
- Joe

A Cancer Center Chapel 'Revelation' -by Joe

Last week, I was really getting nervous as they started Heidi's second chemotherapy drug in Seattle Cancer Care Alliance's chemo rooms.  Heidi encouraged me to go down to the Center's chapel so I did..

As I sat in the chapel trying to shut up my noisy thoughts and simply be in God's Presence, a remarkable thing happened.  Back in 1981, I foolishly climbed one of Colorado's 14,000+ mountains called Little Bear Peak in the Sangre de Cristo range.  'Foolish' because I was untrained, doing it alone and without a helmet, rope or any way to call for help if I fell.

In the chapel, the vivid memory flooded back of making it up Little Bear Peak's deadly gully called the 'Hourglass' and once I finished that stretch, I was terrified at the prospect of going back down.  Now up until then, I had established a tradition on the previous (& easier) 14er peaks in Colorado of celebrating communion and praying for at least an hour when weather permitted, on each summit.

Looking down that Hourglass chute, convinced I would die on descent, I was faced with a choice.  Should I spend the time on top or immediately take my chances descending?  I chose the summit view/communion. To this day I believe that choice saved my life.  The descent was hair-raising, still no other climbers on the peak to ask for help.  I did slip several times on the steep, slippery slabs of stone.  But I sang all the way down.

The lesson:  we will ALL face deadly danger in our lives, whether from disease, violence, despair, etc.  But the choice is always there.  Will we spend available time with God or ignore Him and desperately obsess over the danger?

Cancer is Heidi & my danger these days; but since that day in the chapel, I am constantly reminded of a welcome place of peace I can find on an inner mountain summit, whether either of us prematurely die on the 'descent' or not.

As always, thanks for your support! - Joe