Grieving Heidi's Death - Joe

It's been two and a half months since Heidi died of her metastatic breast cancer. 




Here is a link to the recording of my presentation at Heidi's Memorial Service:
Heidi's Memorial




I am still devastated.
But I am building a new life, slowly and mindfully by:

• telling everyone about how wonderful and brave she was
• asking God to help me grieve in healthy manner
• continuing the outside adventures alone, occasionally with friends
• hosting holiday dinners at home
• decorating the house in new ways for the holidays, to start a new tradition
• journaling my grief over time, on Facebook
• staying vigilante regarding both my cancers' potential recurrences/metastasis
• restarting volunteer work for church and nonprofits

My heart goes out to those of you that face a cancer battle alone.  Heidi and I had each other and our marriage got so strong through our ordeal.  I hate cancer with a passion and will try to continue supporting friends that are still fighting cancer.



Love & Blessings,
Joe

Handling Challenging Bad News For Us Both -by Joe

Heidi receiving her first dose of her new chemotherapy, adriamycin

 Tough times ahead..

A wonderful mystical hike on Valentine's Day

Since my last blog entry, our hopes for Heidi's new chemotherapy changed to disappointment when scans showed continued progression of her bone and liver tunors. She started weekly adriamycin this past Monday, a more toxic, more powerful chemo.

On the summit of challenging Jefferson Ridge on New Year's Day!

As with the chemo that failed, they'll have to wait 2 months to determine if this chemo is working via more scans and lab work.

My new prostate cancer is Stage 2 according to my biopsy, but during my upcoming surgery (radical prostatectomy) on March 12 they will check surrounding lymph nodes to make sure it is not Stage 3.


During the same procedure, they will go into my bladder, removing any new tumors found there.


So we have a lot to deal with. Prayer and support from family & friends are keeping us afloat these days. And humor.

Our easiest setting to pray remains on hikes in the two magnificent mountain ranges nearby. We have already done 5 hikes this year! What a contrast between a day at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and a day on a hiking trail. 

Enjoying a beautiful creek below this beautiful wooden bridge

We need both.

We are grateful for both.
We are grateful for you.

Heading up a ridge to reach a beautiful river gorge

As always, thank you for your prayers and/or positive thoughts.. your compassion.

Love & Blessings,
Joe & Heidi

A Look At Cancer From The OUTSIDE -by Joe

..as in Outdoors! 

There are many weapons in our arsenal against cancer.  We are grateful for a long list:

• world class Oncologists & teams
• prayers from family/friends of faith
• positive thoughts from family/friends who are agnostic/atheist
• financial assistance from Medicare, insurance and family
• support and advice from other cancer patients & survivors
• getting in top physical condition via exercise & diet

But another very important aspect is our increased hiking & kayaking.  What wonderful places we have been this year!  Hiking trails high in the Olympic Mountain Range.  Other spectacular hikes in the Cascade Mountain Range.  We've also begun a tradition of taking communion together on the mountain summits we reach.  Our faith and hope get such a boost from alpine heights and majestic Northwestern forests.  In the kayak we get to see so much wildlife, so many beautiful scenes. 

If you are fighting cancer or doing all you can to stay in remission, we urge you to find an outdoor activity you love and take the time to enjoy it!

As always, THANK YOU for your continued caring & support!

Love & Blessings,
- Joe

10 Things NOT To Say To Your Friends Fighting Cancer

Heidi launching fireworks from our kayak July 4th!

This is a rough time for us.  In the next few days, we'll get results for Heidi's CT Scan, Bone Scan and tumor markers.  The scans are because of indications that her cancer is growing again.  Next week, we hear what her Oncologist recommends..and I get checked for new bladder tumors.  Scary!


The support sent our way is phenomenal - we are so grateful.


Occasionally, we get a well-meaning response that is not helpful and can actually be discouraging.  So I thought I'd list out some of the statements best avoided if someone you know is still fighting their cancer.  How do you know if they are still 'fighting'?  If they are getting cancer treatment or followups, they are still fighting.


Here are 10 things that your friends battling cancer probably don't need to hear:

1. 'We all have to die some day'  ..thanks for the reminder
2. 'You must have eaten the wrong thing to get cancer'  ..great, now I feel guilty
3. 'If you just use this supplement/eat this food, you'll be cured'  ..yeah right
4. 'Just accept it and get your affairs in order'  ..a bit premature, don't ya think?
5. ' I feel sorry for you because I had a friend who died of cancer'  ..please share survivor stories instead!
6. 'If your faith was stronger, you wouldn't need doctors'  ..so God's out to get me?
7. 'You must have sinned - ask God's forgiveness'  ..so God's really out to get me?
8. 'You can't lose - if you die, you get to enjoy Heaven sooner' ..eternity can wait a little longer!
9. 'Thanks to hospice, death is no longer painful'  ..ouch!
10. 'Don't worry, you'll be just fine'  ..at least check my prognosis in case it is dismal - but I must admit, I myself am guilty of saying this one to others!

Please don't take this as anything more than helpful advice.  If you feel at a loss for words, try these:

• 'What can I do to help?'
• 'I'm thinking of you'
• 'I'm praying for you'

But you know what?  Someone that has shown they care can say ANYTHING and we know it's from the heart.

As always, thanks so much for your support!

- Joe

How Can You Support Your Friend Or Family Battling Cancer?

One thing is for sure - the support from friends and family, online and offline, has been critical to us both! So much compassion out there!

Both receiving and giving support becomes a challenge for everyone involved. There were times when both of us could not handle any offers of support; we turned the phones off and just hid from the world immediately after hearing bad news. For friends and family, there were times when our cancer was too much to deal with, too uncomfortable. That's all healthy!

So, what are some suggestions for family and friends wanting to be helpful and supportive? Based on our experience, I do have some simple advice:

1. Get rid of any stereotypes you have about cancer patients and what they need (meals, cleaning, money, a driver to the hospital, etc.) ..instead, just ask "Please let me know if there is anything I can do to make this easier."
2. Offer positive thoughts or prayers, depending on both yours and their religious or nonreligious view of life. That's powerful. This is validated by summaries of recent medical research into the measurable impact of prayer/positive thoughts on cancer.
3. Try to let go of feelings of helplessness, guilt or fear you might experience when you hear about someone's cancer diagnosis or treatment failure. Doesn't do anyone any good.
4. Listen. A cancer patient at some point needs to talk about it. Be ready to listen.

That's it. If you are reading this, it is because you must care. That makes you qualified.

Again, huge thanks to the amazing people that have and continue to support Heidi and myself!